I used to see insecurity as a sign of weakness, something I should dispose. Lately though, I’ve been thinking about usefulness of negative emotions. Those must have serve for something since we still feel it despite generations of evolution, right?

Growth is one thing. We can’t grow stronger if we always feel good. If we feel secure all the time, we’d be complacent. There’s no incentive to change things. Insecurity is like a fever, it’s a symptom that something is wrong. I feel insecure because my body wants to tell me something. I think it works as a “signal” that I have something to improve on.

Try to understand: what is my body trying to telling me?

Do I need to improve my understanding of the world? Do I need to improve a particular skill? Do I need to prepare myself for something?

What actionable step can I take now?

I’ll try to figure out why, be completely honest with myself, and address it. It hits hard, but it also pushes me forward. The more issues I can resolve, the more confident I will be dealing with any issues that will come up, the more secure I become.

When I get insecure now, instead of brushing it out, I ask 1) What is this telling me? 2) What actionable step can I do? And then do it.

I recently got a new a job as a Cloud Engineer. Part of pre-onboarding was choosing my preferred equipment. The recommended machine for engineering roles was a MacBook Pro 13″ 16gb 512gb with an AirPods Pro (or any equivalent). Since Intel-based MacBooks are getting phased-out, I opted for a MacBook Pro 14″.

Here’s where my issue surfaced. Even though I’m not the one paying for it, it still felt excessive. I already have a personal MacBook Air that’s half the cost and also good enough to do my role. My role requires ridiculously low computing power to be productive. When I got it, I wasn’t giddy or super excited as I should be. I felt some kind-of waste on adding another stuff to my life, when I already have something I can use. It literally sat on my desk for a full week before I started using it.

I wondered why:

1. I like getting away with as minimum as I can – I think the optimal position to be in is just right in the middle. Not lacking, but also nothing in excess.
2. Cheaper stuff requires less care and easy to replace – I get more excited with cheap electronics than most expensive ones. I like not having the best. Easily replaceable.
3. Less emotional attachment to material things – If it breaks (which it will inevitably will), then it breaks. No hard feelings. I’ll just buy a new one. A line in Fight Club stuck with me when I start to feel I’m too invested in a particular thing: the things you own end up owning you.

This all made sense. But at the same time, I’m also wondering: Am I just rationalizing? Is it probably because I feel I don’t deserve the best?

I don’t know. I’m still figuring it out.

One thing that significantly changed in me when I had kids is the willingness to build wealth.

My family is never really about luxury. We’ve never really envied other people who has more than us. My upbringing is heavily biased on being contented with what we have (thanks Ma!). There’s natural resistance to excess. And that’s how I am up to now.

Bringing kids to this world though, have this good burden of wanting to provide and secure them the basic necessities of life. That’s how I see my primary role now: a provider. However, there’s really no guarantee up until when I’ll be alive. The best option I have is to build wealth as fast as possible that can cover their life up until they are capable of choosing their own path.

At the core of what I do and why I’m motivated to work hard is actually a disguise on being ready to die anytime.

How I’m preparing to die

The best way I effectively work is when I have a crystal clear vision of what I want to achieve. I’ve identified two goals that, when achieved, I can go peacefully:

1. House and lot per kid – with a lot of luck, I was able to achieve this recently. Whatever happens now, at the very least they will have a place to live in.
2. 5m per kid – to cover basic necessities and education up to college – this will take some time to achieve. My strategy for this one is get to a term-life insurance until I get to this point. Regardless of what happened to me, they will still be covered.

Of course I want to provide them more than material things. I’m figuring those out along the way. I just consider this as the baseline of what I’m aiming to provide. 

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There’s this line in one of my favorite song when I contemplate about death: love is watching someone die — so who’s gonna watch you die?

I sure hope that my kids are the ones who’ll be there. Already equipped for whichever path they choose and ready to whatever challenge the world is going to throw at them.

Whenever I’m in a tough situation, it has become my habit to ask “what’s the worst thing that can happen?”

Let’s say I got delayed on a project. What’s the worst that can happen? I get fired. Then what? I will still be alive by then, I could find another job. I also know that I’ve minimized my risks enough that I could live the same lifestyle for a few months without any income. There isn’t really something to be anxious about.

I read that the fear we feel didn’t evolve as human’s circumstances improved. The fear we feel getting fired is irrationally similar to being in a life-and-death situation.

Fear’s primary purpose is to keep us from things that threatens our lives. If it’s something that can cause irreversible consequences (total disability, jail, death), sure it makes sense to be afraid. But if it’s not, fear just becomes a hindrance to think of solutions. So how do I lessen it?

Acknowledge the worst outcome

Explicitly acknowledging what’s the worst that can happen makes myself realize that hey I ain’t gonna die. I can move on to thinking how I can actually rectify my situation. A significant amount of mistakes can be corrected.

For a delayed project, most people just want to be updated. Sharing what’s the cause of the delay and how I plan to stay on track is a very good first step to do.

I don’t have control on how they will react. But regardless if they understood my situation or the worst actually happened, I’m prepared. The important thing is I was not paralyzed by fear, I started moving again.

I used to procrastinate making decisions because I fear making the wrong one. I preferred to keep things hanging until somebody else takes action. Even for the smallest things like where should we eat? It gets worse the bigger the decision needs to be made.

Something I admire with Julie and her family is they make decisions amazingly fast. Action takes place soon after. I wanted this pace, so I identified what keeps me from deciding and address it.

I adopted these mindset to prevent option paralysis.

1. A wrong decision is better than no decision

Indecision leads to more indecision. With indecision, I am neither moving forward or backward. It stops momentum.

Things moving are better than things in undecided state.

2. Have a default answer

When asked where to eat, I usually say McDo. I don’t mind if it gets rejected or an alternative is presented. It’s way better than kahit saan (anywhere).

It’s the same with starting with a blank canvas. Starting from scratch is harder than editing something existing (at least for me).

3. I can change my mind (pwede mag-bago ng isip)

Yes, changing minds come at a cost. But the information you get by actually trying things is worth the cost (usually).

If it turns out I made a wrong decision, I’ll acknowledge the fault and change my mind.

This is the same strategy with digital marketing. I can’t really know what ad will work until I try it out. I don’t know and have no control of how people will react. I need to try and find out. Stop the ads that isn’t performing, and double down on those that’s working.

The more information I get, the better decisions I can make.

4. Avoid deciding on things I don’t even have control of

Let’s say I liked a particular job ad. The question I should be deciding on isn’t “Should I apply or not?” (the answer is always yes).

The only time I should decide in this scenario is if I’m at a point where a job is offered. Because in that position, I’m the one in control if I should accept or reject the offer.

Applying to the job alone doesn’t particularly change anything in my life. I shouldn’t think too much about it.

5. Letting go is an option too

If you can’t let it go, face it. If you can’t face it, let it go.

I have to be explicit in acknowledging I’m letting this go to let myself know that I’m really letting it go.

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These strategies has served me well. I make fast decisions now. I’m action-oriented. And I enjoy moving things forward (or backward as long as things are moving).

For the past few months I’ve been buying tiny PCs in FB Marketplace because I’m planning to create a homelab Kubernetes cluster for learning. I’ve purchased a lot in the marketplace before and everything went through. Most people are trustworthy. But of course, there are exceptions.

What was the scam?

The seller presented himself as company employee. I was told that they have a warehouse and a procedure of payment-first to process orders. This is a red flag in itself. However, when I checked the pick-up location, the company really do have a warehouse and it’s registered under the company name. This addressed my first concern.

The way the messages was structured was it addresses any hesitation that might come up. It looks like they really do have a standard procedure. I went ahead and transfer the amount agreed to.

And then he’s gone.

At first I felt my anger building up. Then shame slowly creeped in. I felt stupid for falling for it. My initial thought was to keep it to myself. Sharing it would only validate my stupidity.

I somewhat knew that if I kept things to myself, the bad experience will just linger at the back of my mind for days. Even if it’s embarrassing, I shared it to Julie and my friends.

What could I have done next time?

There are multiple ways to catch this con. It’s a little more hassle but for large transaction it’s worth it. Here’s the thing I should have done instead:

• Call the company to verify person employment
• Ask for an I.D. and live photo of the items
• Most sellers offer payment only when the pickup service has arrived — insist on doing this
• Avoid large transactions on Gcash/GrabPay because they specifically exclude swindling (transferred money but unfulfilled order) to their protection coverage

What good did come out of this?

I’m actually getting addicted on finding good deals in the marketplace. Even for things I don’t need. There’s this instant gratification in same-day shipping purchase. It’s getting harder to control myself especially when I’m stressed out and my willpower is spent. Now, I have natural aversion on buying. I don’t visit the marketplace any more haha.

Another thing that was surprising is how I was able to regulate my emotion. In less than an hour I was able to accept and acknowledge the situation. I knew that getting angry or feeling shame wouldn’t make a difference. It will only make my loss bigger (by being emotionally invested in something I don’t have control of). I was able to resume my day as planned.

This was good exercise on how I’d react when real bad things happen. I’d say this lesson is well worth ₱15.9k.

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