One of my kids threw my phone at the TV out of anger. It broke.

What made it hard for me to handle is it was intentional. If it wasn’t, I would have understood. He doesn’t seem to grasp the consequences.

I don’t like how I reacted: I shouted and hit his butt harder than I should have. I felt guilty.

What hurt even more was when I reached to comfort him, and he flinched, afraid I might hit him again.

I have to remember: kids are at the mercy of their nervous system. They still don’t have full control over their impulses and reaction. Their behavior is their best attempt to meet a need.

Instead of focusing on their actions, ask: What need are they trying to meet?

Whose job is it to teach them how to properly meet their needs? Mine.

My need was to make him understand that what he did was not good. But the way I reacted only reinforced the same pattern: get angry, act on impulse, and lash out. It showed him that reacting with anger and aggression is okay.

What should have I done instead?

Why did my son throw my phone at the TV? He was trying to be heard. He had been pleading to change the channel, but I was too focused on my other kid at that time. His best attempt to get my attention? Throw my phone. It wasn’t right, but it was effective.

I still think anger has a purpose. It’s okay to express it to let the kids know they crossed a boundary, but only when calm inside. What I did wrong was I acted only to relieve myself of anger, without really thinking if it’s the best way to teach.

Next time: Understand what need are they trying to meet, then guide them toward a better way to meet it.